My sister is a big hairy gorilla bachelor

DONE.

I Wish Jennifer's Name Was Lydia

MC CANDY THUG

(this post is alternatively titled: my sister made me post this...so I'm sorry)

I have created an alter ego. It started as a rambling and it has snowballed out of control. Its a rapper who raps about candy. Cuz forcing thugs to do community service (like give out free hugs to people) and eating candy will make them upstanding citizens again. So...here goes nothing...

Album Name: "Candy and Free Hugs Will Reform the Thugs"

 

First Single: "I'll Pay Yo Skittle Bill"

 

"We be like up in the club,

Lookin at herrrrr

and I say to mah homie-

she need a hurrg.

(***rappers note to reader***that says hug, but gangster like-- huuuuuurrrrrrrg)

 

So I axe her if she want one fo' free.

and she bes like, yeaaaaaaaah.

 

Hug me, free hugs, I'll pay yo skittle bill.

Hug me, free hugs, I'll pay yo skittle bill."

 

Next track: "Starbursts make her juice loose"

 

"Juice. Juice. Juice. Juice.

 

We on the corner poppin, can't stop.

So bright we gon' shine

 like a sunburst,

but her juice is loose

like a starburst.

 

Juice. Juice. Juice. Juice,

her starburst juice is loose.

 

Strawberry, orange, cherry, lemon. I

'm tellin y'all its like heaven at 7-11.

 

Fruit strip gum and smarties,

I'll be good to you.

Payday, reese's,

to name a few.

But nothing feels as good when her starburst juice gets loose.

 

Bring it down to the candy aisle girrrrrrl

 so i get a better view.

Unwrap those squares

and get all the boys to chew."

 

and then there is this little ditty: "My twizzler will make your mouth happy" ft Drake (if he would answer my damn calls!)

 

Pull me, peel me, Flavor it, savor it.

Pull me, peel me, Flavor it, savor it.

Pull me, peel me, Flavor it, savor it.

 

Uuuh...

yeah...

Pull open that pack,

I'll watch your lips smack.

Gummy red delish,

you're the next one on my list.

Take a load off, get your smile on,

I know it sounds sappy

but I'm fo' real when I say

my twizzler will make your mouth happy."

 

::curtsy::

 

Who is running to get my album when it drops next month?

One Direction Like Totally Rules

Haha! Suckers!  How's THAT for keyword hacking!

But...while you're here, check out Jennifer and I being idiots.

Attention People Who Want To Help Me Antagonize Jennifer

Jennifer has not posted in quite a while.  Please send her an email to let her know how the internetz are sorely disappointed in her:  pinkpinkblog@gmail.com

Jennifer F***ing HATES Me

See below for Exhibit A on why Jennifer HATES me.

Pizzaman Haiku

My friend Bre Vallenari (now also Jennifer's friend because she's a dirty friend-poacher) has a great story that really happened that is hilarious and entertaining and you're going to sit there and read it because hey, it's not like you're going to do any actual work today anyway, right?

Do I have to point out that the very next time I order pizza online I'm doing this???  DO I????  That is all. 

Love,

Hate,

Christina